What Kerry should have said if he really wanted to tell the truth. For a look at his actual speech see Text Of Kerry's Speech.

As president, that is my first pledge to you tonight: As president, I will restore trust and credibility to the White House. So here my fellow Americans is the truth.

The truth is you can't handle the truth. At least I can't tell you the truth and hope to win the election so here's what I'm going to tell you.

I'm against outsourcing of American jobs overseas and I got that way from spending my early childhood years living in a family whose father had a cushy job as a foreign diplomat.

I'm going to tell you all I grew up in a home with normal and healthy American family values while living in a divided German city where I used to sneak out of the house to visit commies.

I have to make all kinds of promises for social programs to please the liberal millionaires who are paying for most of my campaign.

I have to show I can be tough on foreign policy and will increase the size of the military so George and the Republicans won't make fun of my liberal background.

I promise that America will return to our values of only fighting wars when we need to and not when we want to. Although anybody with a high school history class knows most American wars were fought because we wanted to.

I have to promise that I will not raise taxes on the middle class so the middle class will vote for me.

I have to promise I will not cut social security so seniors will vote for me.

And I'm going to cut the deficit in half.

The truth is I have no idea how I'm going to pay for all this stuff!

I promise to raise taxes on the wealthy. Thereby insuring that they will offshore themselves and their wealth to other countries to live.

I just started this speech with a military salute so that my picture could be on the front page of every newspaper and web site in America tomorrow.

The truth is that the band of brothers follow me all over the place because they are a bunch of out of work Viet Nam veterans with nothing better to do.

With the way George Bush has handled the war in Iraq I'm surprised he can go to the bathroom by himself.

Health care in this country is such a mess that I'm not sure anyone could fix it.

I'm so pleased with the way the Democratic primaries went that my first choice for a running mate was a Republican.

I choose Edwards as my running mate because nobody old enough to know better wanted the job.

And finally, no matter how bad a president I might turn out to be, I can't help but do a better job than the administration we have now.

Thank you. Good night. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.